My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
