why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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