Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
