that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
