Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
