just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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