I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
