Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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