The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
