Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
