i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
