im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
ugly people sure do ruin things
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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