Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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