I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
