By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
this boner is exhausting
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
