I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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