Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
