I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
