I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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