we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
