After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
