Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
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And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
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Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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