My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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