You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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