My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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