I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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