you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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