hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
