you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
