i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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