I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
