my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
