i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
