Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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