I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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