thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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