I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
