he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
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I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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