i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She told me I should be a condom model.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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