He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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