When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
