i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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