I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
