Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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