I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
