he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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