Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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