My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
