I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
