I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
