The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I touched a dick in church today
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
