My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
