There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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