Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
