I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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